When students try to infringe on privacy

[Helix]

Hey, can I get some advice?

1. I have had a private myspace for the past 3 years, meaning you can't see anything when you put in my name. My students keep trying to add me as a friend, sending me annoying harassing messages on the "private" page, and harassing me in school about "adding them." They have been told that I will not add them, I am an adult and that they need to remember they are students and that they are to have no contact with me outside school. This has not ceased any sort of attempts at communication. Should I just give up another aspect of my personal life that allows me to keep in touch with my friends and get rid of it?

2. My boyfriend used to work with a close friend of one of my students. We'll just call him "A." The student mentioned in class to me that she would be with "A" at a homecoming party. "A" hasn't been in touch with my bf in 10 months, since my bf left the job, but had access to his phone number. This kid called us up at 2am last night 4 times in a row bothering us to come out and buy him beer (HE'S UNDERAGED!!!!) We flipped out, told them that this was not appropriate to not only contact us at 2am, but that we would never do any such thing. We then hung up the phone and turned it off. My dad thought I should have called the police about this...we were half-awake and very confused at the time.

Should I let this go, or should I have a word with this student on Monday about her friend's behavior? Is it worth telling the principal or anyone else in authority, or just letting it go unless it happens again?

I am a very introverted person in the grand scheme of things, with a very set group of friends. My students have been warned several times that I am NOT their friend no matter where they see me in town, who I know, etc. I am getting seriously PO'd.

Any advice?

[muinteoir]

Hey, can I get some advice?

1. I have had a private myspace for the past 3 years, meaning you can't see anything when you put in my name. My students keep trying to add me as a friend, sending me annoying harassing messages on the "private" page, and harassing me in school about "adding them." They have been told that I will not add them, I am an adult and that they need to remember they are students and that they are to have no contact with me outside school. This has not ceased any sort of attempts at communication. Should I just give up another aspect of my personal life that allows me to keep in touch with my friends and get rid of it?

Don't get rid of it. Just ignore the posted messages. If the kids ask you about it at school. just laugh it off; "oh, please, it would be too boring for you" or something like that. Don't explain or defend. Just don't make an issue of it. If you are upset about this, the kids will know it and it will make them even more curious about the page.


2. My boyfriend used to work with a close friend of one of my students. We'll just call him "A." The student mentioned in class to me that she would be with "A" at a homecoming party. "A" hasn't been in touch with my bf in 10 months, since my bf left the job, but had access to his phone number. This kid called us up at 2am last night 4 times in a row bothering us to come out and buy him beer (HE'S UNDERAGED!!!!) We flipped out, told them that this was not appropriate to not only contact us at 2am, but that we would never do any such thing. We then hung up the phone and turned it off. My dad thought I should have called the police about this...we were half-awake and very confused at the time.

Should I let this go, or should I have a word with this student on Monday about her friend's behavior? Is it worth telling the principal or anyone else in authority, or just letting it go unless it happens again?

Do not talk to the kid's friend. The child is not responsible for the friend's behavior. It would not be appropriate to involve her.

Does "A" attend your school? If he does, visit with the counselor.

I probably wouldn't do anything at this point, but if another call occurs, let your boyfriend deal with it. You stay out of it.

It might be a good idea to change the phone number,



I am a very introverted person in the grand scheme of things, with a very set group of friends. My students have been warned several times that I am NOT their friend no matter where they see me in town, who I know, etc. I am getting seriously PO'd.

Any advice?

Don't confuse being friendly with being a friend.

There is a growing body of research indicating that positive, appropriate relationships with students are a significant factor in their success.

Take advantage of seeing your students in outside of school or coincidental relationships to get to know them in a different way.

You can be approachable without crossing that proverbial line. It could make a real difference in your classroom.

[Helix]

Do not talk to the kid's friend. The child is not responsible for the friend's behavior. It would not be appropriate to involve her.




You are totally right. She's a nice girl who gets good grades and just because he was being an idiot doesn't mean she should go down with him. I will not say anything.

I was just concerned because she was with him and I find it ironic that just literally a few hours after finding out that I knew her friend, we receive a call out of the blue asking for us to buy him and his friends beer. That's why I was concerned about that bit.

Thanks for your input on this and the other two things!

[weepngwillo2]

I would say that if you knew a student was out at 2am looking for alcohol that bringing this up with first the counselor and the principle and then let them take the lead on how to proceed from there. It is an obvious safety issue, and one that if the parents were unaware they should be and if they knew they should be put in contact with the appropriate authorities.
That said, no matter the size of the town you live in, you cannot avoid eventually running into your students outside of class. That doesn't mean you should make yourself wholly available to them, but be understanding that they will want to say hello. You play an important role in their life, and it is out of respect that they see you in that light outside of the classroom. Simply respond politely "Hi, what are you guys up to?" then say "Cool, have a great time" and end the conversation.
As far as the myspace page, if you have a set number of friends I would consider finding a pseudonymn to use and make a new page that they wouldn't be able to find by your name. Let your friends and family know ahead of time so that they won't be confused, and you should be ok.
It is important to maintain your professional distance from your students, but not to the point where your students feel you are unapproachable.
Good luck with a sticky situation!!

[Ima Teacher]

1. Should I just give up another aspect of my personal life that allows me to keep in touch with my friends and get rid of it?

I have a MySpace as well, and my profile isn't even private. However, there is nothing on there that wouldn't be pretty common knowledge anyway. Now, if you want to see my pictures, watch my videos, send me a message, or read my blogs, you have to be on my friends list. I state right on my profile that I don't accept friend requests from students. I have quite a few former students on there, but they're all in their twenties. The only under-18 people on my list are those I know other places, and I'd bet I don't have more than 5 of those.

You can block contact from anyone under 18, and you can also block people who try to contact you. I do sometimes get students send me friend requests. I just deny them. If they mention it, I just tell them that I don't approve students. That ends the discussion. Most of mine are pretty content just to be able to see my profile . . . although they could have pretty much guess all of the stuff on there anyway. Silly kids.


2. Should I let this go, or should I have a word with this student on Monday about her friend's behavior? Is it worth telling the principal or anyone else in authority, or just letting it go unless it happens again?

We have Caller ID, and I let the machine get any calls that I don't want to take. You can also set your phone to block certain callers or anyone who blocks his/her number from coming up on Caller ID. I did once have to contact the police after a student in my class make phone calls to my home in the middle of the night.

My students have been warned several times that I am NOT their friend no matter where they see me in town, who I know, etc. I am getting seriously PO'd.

Sometimes you can protest TOO much, and they keep it up just because they know it bugs you. I don't have that as an issue any more because I'm old and teach 7th graders. :p However, when I started teaching, I was teaching 12th graders, almost all of whom were 18 years old. I was 22. My best friend--my age--was dating a college freshman, and his best friend was still in high school . . . and in my class. During the couple of years that my friend was datting this guy, there were plenty of times when I was around these high schoolers during that time. But once I started teaching, I did not continue to hang around places where they were. My friend and I did things on our own, but never with that group. I have a small group of friends I've known since middle school, and those are stil the same people that I'm around now. All those others were just friends of friends, and I didn't not feel in the least bit bad about distancing myself from them. Once I moved into the teaching world, I was no longer in their social group.

Now, as far as students seeing me in public and talkign with me, I have no problems with that. DH says that just once he'd like to go somewhere without seeing a current or former student. They often talk to me and give me hugs . . . and they range in age from 11 (current students) to 34 (former students). You can be friendly with people without being "friends".

[Helix]

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm really nice to them when I see them...

But, let's say, the other day I was at the mall...two students came over and hugged me. I hugged them back, played with their niece, and talked to them.

The next day...

"Your boyfriend's hot. Do you live with him?"
"Why do you shop in that store. How much do you weigh?"
"How long have you been with your boyfriend?"

etc. etc. etc.

That's what I mean about the boundaries to the inappropriateness. Don't get me wrong, I'm warm and friendly...but sometimes they just push me too far and I become callous.

[muinteoir]

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm really nice to them when I see them...

I don't think any of us think otherwise...:)

But, let's say, the other day I was at the mall...two students came over and hugged me. I hugged them back, played with their niece, and talked to them.

The next day...

"Your boyfriend's hot. Do you live with him?"
"Why do you shop in that store. How much do you weigh?"
"How long have you been with your boyfriend?"

etc. etc. etc.

They're kids; they don't know how to be friendly and interested in adults appropriately yet. I have found that a light-hearted response to questions is an effective way to deflect questions I don't want to answer

"Your boyfriend's hot. Do you live with him?"

Oooh - that's kinda personal. I'm not into personal questions, I'm just funny that way. It's a personality quirk of mine. (said with a smile and a shrug)

"Why do you shop in that store.

Because I'm not cool enough to shop where you shop.

Because they have great sales, and teachers are have to shop sales because we're cheap!

How much do you weigh?"

Too much!


"How long have you been with your boyfriend?"

This one I might just answer - 2 years, whatever.

However, if I were uncomfortable with the question, I'd use the personal question response. If I had already told them I don't like personal questions, I would remind them -
Another personal question?? are you trying to bring me out of my shell or what??

The trick is to let them know that they are asking personal questions (and they really don't understand what is too personal and what is not) without shutting them down.




That's what I mean about the boundaries to the inappropriateness. Don't get me wrong, I'm warm and friendly...but sometimes they just push me too far and I become callous.

They just don't know how to engage with young adults yet. It's part of maturing.

I am assuming you're still young, you probably don't look much older than some of your students. You probably have similar tastes in music, fashion, etc. It's hard for your students to see someone who appears on the surface to be so much like them and not want to engage you the way they would a peer.

You can help with this. As teachers, we teach much more than our content.

[seastarmath]

DEFINITELY let the admin know this took place.
Read the article on the NEA website about the implications of educators having a social networking site. It has its pros and cons.

I had a Myspace page once AND a facebook page. I ignored requests for adds. Gave the kids a puzzled look when they asked about it. On My Space, if it is private they cannot post anything for any one to see. If you are being harassed, I think you contact the MY SPACE people.

It sounds like you have older kids. In this day and age, it is best to keep your social interaction to school or school sponsored events. Innocent events have a way of being misinterpreted and you find yourself being manipulated. PLus, for your own sanity and to avoid burn out, you need to totally get away into your own world sometimes.

[merrynl]

Some of my students have found me on Facebook. They've even tried to add me. I tell them all the same thing: I will not add students. Once you graduate (or in my current case, I leave the school and move to another state), I"ll consider adding you if you request it. HOWEVER... if you are posting anything inappropriate or are harassing me on it, I will delete you.

I have had to delete one former student, otherwise there have been no problems.


Especially for students who don't have good support at home, it can really help them to see teachers out supporting them outside of school. Go watch some school sports. If you have a group of kids who participate in something in the community, go see their performance (or whatever it is). The students LOVE it. I like to go to sports especially (because they're free!), but I've also had students who do Civil War reenactments, bowl and do community theatre... they all loved seeing teachers there to support them. It was fun, not much effort on my part, and it showed the kids that teachers do care about them as people, not just as students.