I Need Serious Help

[misspriss2734]

First off let me say that I am a 41 year old lady who looks fairly attractive ( not my opinion but others ) I also teach in a school where some of my students are very good friends with my teenagers. This makes things kind of difficult because of the familiarity with those students. I have also been separated from my husband for over a year and as we live in a small town this is not hidden news. I know that I have made some major mistakes in my first year of teaching this year but I am having a hard time keeping that line drawn from friend of my childrens friends to being their teacher. I have also gotten called on the carpet for taking female students home who didnt have a ride home and for comments made by the male students in my class on my appearance which i will have to say I try to dress professional at all times. But I do tend to step over those boundaries (those I know and those I dont) and get into trouble. I am afraid I am going to get fired. Help.

[Chef Dave]

I think you already know what part of the solution must be.

You say that you have problems drawing the line between being being a teacher and being a family friend to kids you know.

At school - work is work. Students must address you as Ms. ----. They may not address you by your first name. If a student calls you by your first name, gently remind the student that you are at school and at school, you must be called Ms. ----.

Formality is one way that educators distinguish themselves from students. Use of the terms "Mr" or "Ms" denote respect. Remember that as an educator, you are employed to teach children. You are not there to be their friend ... after all ... if you were their friend, why would you give them homework assignments? Why would you make them study for tests? Why make them study for anything at all? Why not allow them to party-party-party in your class?

You already know from your school administration that you cannot take kids home. Although this is a nice gesture, from the school's point of view, it's also a potential liability concern. What if you were in an accident? Who would the parents blame?

Students who don't have a ride home should use the office phone to call their parents or friends or neighbors for a ride.

With regards to your appearance, what do you do when boys make suggestive comments? Have you talked to them about the appropriate respect that should be shown a teacher? Have you taken students incapable of showing such respect to the office?

Children have a way of testing their limits. As a teacher, you need to help establish what those limits are. Make sure you are familiar with your school's rules and make sure you help your school by consistently enforcing these rules.

When I began work this past August as a high school chef instructor, some of my students tested me by calling me "David." They were asked politely ... just once ... to address me as either Chef, Chef Chin, or Mister Chin. I also told them that they could call me "Chef God" but nobody has ever done so. :) Students who did not remember to address me in an appropriate manner have spent the rest of the class period scrubbing pots.

I do not believe I have been an ogre about this even though I've had some students tell me that I was being "really mean" for making them scrub pots, clean out grease traps, break down boxes, and empty trash. I was establishing limits regarding acceptable behavior.

Not only do I expect to be addressed in a certain manner by students, but I also expect students to follow directions. Students are not allowed to argue with me. I tolerate no whining. As the chef of our student run restaurant, I expect my students to follow my instructions immediately. The only acceptable response other than a question regarding clarification of instructions is, "Yes, chef!"

I like my students and I think that most of them like me ... but I am not their friend. I am their teacher and their chef.

A few weeks ago I had to confiscate a student's cell phone. Our school rules say that cell phones must be turned off during school hours. Students who violate this policy have their phones confiscated for five school days.

One of my favorite students violated this policy. I confiscated her phone. Her comment? "If you were my friend, you wouldn't take my phone."

I told her that I hadn't been hired to be her friend. I was hired to be her teacher. I reminded her of our school policy regarding cell phones and turned the phone over to the office as per standing instructions.

My tone was very matter of fact ... but again, I was establishing limits.

It sounds to me as though you need to start establishing your own limits ... so review your school's policies. Enforce them in a firm, fair, and consistent manner. Make sure that students address you as Ms ---- and not by your first name. Do not tolerate suggestive comments.

Best wishes,

David

[teach1027]

Chef Dave is right you need to set boundaries. If the students know you and respect your boundaries in your home, then they should respect them at school as well. If this is still a problem, you nay need to consider finding a different school for your sake as well as your child's and their friends. They are old enough for you to explain top them that you could get in trouble by the principal if this continues. Hold them accountable as well, don't take it all on yourself.

[3rdgradeteach]

Wow Chef! That was awesome. I know it is hard for me to keep the same boundries. The kids love me because I am fun and easy going, but that does not help in the respect department because if you give them an inch they take a mile. What can I do if I have already ruined the chance to get respect? I have actually been giving more demerits this week. They are just really pushing the envelope. I know there are some that are just shocked that I did it. They were oooooing and awwwwwing when I gave this boy one. I had just had it and I don't want to feel like this. Any suggestions on how to get a balance?

[Chef Dave]

Wow Chef! That was awesome. I know it is hard for me to keep the same boundries. The kids love me because I am fun and easy going, but that does not help in the respect department because if you give them an inch they take a mile. What can I do if I have already ruined the chance to get respect?

I was an elementary teacher for 17 years. The teacher I am today is not the teacher I was when I was an elementary teacher. High school is much more specialized. At this age level, the kids aren't really interested in pleasing me as they were in 3rd and 4th grade. Insofar as I'm also a career and technical education teacher (what used to be known as vocational ed), I do my high school students no favors by coddling them for behaviors that would not be tolerated in the workplace.

Third grade was different and required a kinder and gentler approach.

It's nice that your kids like you - but the kids also need to understand that they're in your class to learn.

So ... my suggestion would be this. Why not ring in the new year with a new set of class rules? Talk about your concerns with the kids. Explain that although you've all had a great deal of fun, you really need to get down to business. Discuss why a class needs rules. Solicit ideas from the students regarding what sort of rules the class needs. Guide the discussion and formulate new rules that you can put on a bulletin board.

Also - discuss consequences. I typically gave students three warnings. The first warning was posting a name on the board. The 2nd warning was a check by the students name. This check was accompanied by a 5 minute time out during recess. The 3rd warning came with a second check and the loss of recess. After 3 warnings, the student got a discpline referral and went to the office.

Regardless of what rules and consequences you adopt, make sure you are firm, fair, and consistent with the enforcement of these rules.

The number one mistake that teachers make with class management is to not be consistent. This creates all sorts of problems i.e. Why am I getting punished? You didn't punish Emily when she did the same thing last week!

Failure to consistently enforce your rules will undermine your classroom management and may even lead to PR nightmares with angry parents. Why did my child have to sit out of recess? My son told me that you let Jose talk all the time and he never has to sit out of recess ...

You don't need to be nasty about enforcing the rules. You don't need to scream and shout and pull out your hair and be menacing. The important thing to remember with 3rd graders is that no matter how much they mess up, they still want to know that you like them and care for them.

I used time out at recess to discuss my thoughts with the students in question.

Do you understand why you are missing recess? What did you do? What could you have done differently?

[kingrichie]

I know it's tough sometimes to want to be more than just their teacher, but you really need to focus on just that. Be their teacher.

[3rdgradeteach]

Thanks guys....that does help...I have explained to them that I have given them many many chances and I am basically not going to take it anymore and that I have been too nice. So, they are expecting some changes in the coming months; however, they know that I am not mean so hopefully they will accept a little more structure in the classroom. I think I will initiate the bulletin board thing. I just took on this class about a month ago when they split them. So, I haven't had much time to do much except teach and give rewards for work well done and Christmas things. The turning of the new year will be perfect when we return. I can make the board over Christmas vacation. I talk to the kindergarten teacher quite often and she uses frogs. Very cute! If you are naughty per say....your frog gets moved down and eventually he is in the water and he will drown if you don't get him out of there lol.....I love that! Thanks for such a quick response....we are having a snow day today so it is giving me a chance to get some things done at home. :)

[maridee]

But I do tend to step over those boundaries (those I know and those I dont) and get into trouble. I am afraid I am going to get fired. Help.


I fear you've just stated perfect grounds for dismissal.

I've had high schoolers and they WILL run right over you--if you don't set up boundaries. You have to be friendly, but not their friend. And yes, it's tough.

I have on occasion had to teach my neighbor's kids in the past as well as this year as a substitute teacher. They were just as surprised as I to find myself as their teacher. I always greeted them just like every other student, in the halls, cafeteria, wherever...

But in class, I was their teacher. They had to call me Ms. X or Teacher if they couldn't pronounce my last name. I did not treat those students I knew any differently from the rest of their classmates.

Outside of class and school, the kids and I would talk like we were neighbors. They'd come over and sell me whatever they were selling at school that week and I've always tried to support school/Scouting activities. Or they'd wave at me as they rode by on their bikes and I'd wave back.

The younger the students are, the harder it is for them to understand the concept of "boundaries." I worried a bit when some of my very young students (1st and 2nd graders) would see me and run across the gym before school and practically throw themselves at me! {They like me! They REALLY like me!} However, my adminstrator said as long I as DID NOT initiate any kind of physical contact...and the admin was a witness to several of these "run-by huggings," so to speak.

I had a first grader hold my hand as the class walked down the hall one day recently because he told me he "didn't want me to get lost!" I had never been in his class before and he thought I was a "new" teacher. New to him, maybe..:)

And I have had an ENTIRE class of first graders give me a group hug when I told them I would not be returning after Christmas (my practicum was over). :o

But I digress...

I would recommend that you try for a more professional approach with your students. You might try calling them Mr. --- or Miss --- (by their last name.)

And if the boys made remarks about your appearance--give 'em the cold eagle-eye and say, "I do not tolerate those kind of remarks in my classroom." And use a stern teacher voice.
And if they do it again--send 'em to the office.

I've send my fair share of students to the office for what I consider a serious infraction of decorum in my classroom: bullying in ANY form, remarks of sexual innuendo {and you'd be surprised at how young this starts}, arguing with me (uh, huh--not allowed!).

Do you have "Class Rules" posted? Do your students know them--did they have some input in their creation?

I only have 2 rules for my classroom:

1. Your behavior MUST NOT interfere with another's learning.

2. Your behavior must improve.

That pretty well says it all.

[mopar]

If you think that something you are planning to do or did crossed a boundary, talk with your administration. This way you can prevent yourself from crossing boundaries or you can allow the principal a heads up for when they receive comments or a call about it later. Always try to be proactive, administration likes this. Also, especially for the rest of this year and the next few years, if you stay in this district, draw a very strict line between home and school. You can always loosen your discipline as the year or years go on.